2018 Step Republic FC Review

 2018 Step Republic FC Review

By: Gabriel Corrie 

USL preseason coincides with a down time at the box office and so for the past few weeks -there haven’t been too many new movies out that I’ve been itching to see. The Republic spent much of preseason on the road and I’ve had some downtime and In that time I’ve been watching aught comedies. Old School, Anchor Man, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Step Brothers, 40 Year Old Virgin, Talladega Nights, and Super Bad. Binging on comedies for a few weeks is sometimes good for the soul.

The downtime also gave me time to think about which aught comedy would best describe the 2018 Republic season?  I thought deeply about the 2018 campaign and some of the instances of brief ridiculousness, it’s times of blatant loudness, and it’s moments of flip the switch madness.

It made me think of an American Idiot character like burgeoning soccer icon Will Ferrell. The 2018 campaign was about partnerships and believing and at times it also had veterans taking on the youth. It had to be Step Brothers.

So I selected a few funny micro moments from the season and paired them with fhighly laughable quotes that will further prove my case. (In no particular order) Away we go!


Opening Day

Sac Republic - San Antonio FC


Brennan: Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.

Dale: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that's what you mean.

Yes, there’s this coming together of a team to get a two goal lead with back to back goals at the end of the first half and at the beginning of the second. This quote  matches the team spirit that was found that opening night. After a pretty rough preseason with some strong MLS sides coming in and wrecking havoc it was good that we came together and rode majestically into the night together.


Sac Republic - Rio Grande Valley Torros


Dale: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, " Oh, my God, I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf," and she grabs me by the weiner.

Dr. Robert Doback: Shut the fuck up!

This scene at the beginning of the movie just always cracks me up. It’s like ‘what the fuck is going on? This can’t be happening...’ This micro moment is a comeback game, where we’re down an early goal from a first minute score tand we say ‘shut the front door’ and the come back and grab two goals to win.


Sac Republic - Las Vegas Lights


Dale: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.

That first night where Dale and Brennan are laying in beds next to each other is so outlandishly hysterical. You can tell that the director, Steve McKay, is just feeding lines and having them say the funniest shit. Anyway, Las Vegas? Their mascot is a gd llama. They had an emoji face printed on the inside of their jerseys. They were new money, and gimmicky, like the Beverly Hillbillies. “This is a house of learned doctors” is funny, on a whole other level, because we had, two, former, Georgetown scholars in Josh Turnley and Cole Seiler.


Fresno- Sac Republic


Brennan: I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?

Yeah, you know what it’s like losing, 2-0, in our first game against Fresno.



Sac Republic - Seattle Sounders FC


The funniest scene of the movie to me is when Derek pops his head up into the tree house. There are just so many great quotes from this scene that can be used to describe this game.

  • “It’s like I’m masterbating in a time machine.”

We played the MLS Club again in the Summer when we beat them in the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup

  • Dale: What is your problem, man?Derek: My problem? I don't know! I don't have a problem, Dale. Actually, I have the opposite of a problem: I made over 550 K last year.

Jordan Morris and Nico Lodeiro both played and they both have lucrative salaries.

  • Derek: I feel like you want to punch me.

        (Dale punches Derek and he falls out             

         of the tree house)

  • Derek: I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out.(Shows then his washboard abs)

I remember my cousin Chris, from Seattle, talking about Nicolas Lodeiro’s body back when he first signed with the club back in summer of that year and he told me, I don’t think he’s had a carb since 2010. This really was one of those perfect coincidences.


Sac Republic- Swope Park Rangers


This game has two quotes. The first is....

Derek: It’s the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.

Yep, you guessed it we made the playoffs and got a home playoff game. It was wild that night. There was a buzz in the air and it felt like anything out on the field was possible. But, unfortunately we left the playoff game in this mood:

Brennan: This house is a fucking prison!

Dale: On Planet Bullshit!

Brennan: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!


Individual Awards:

The “I feel like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis” goal scorer of the year: Banging in a team high 17 goals, Mr. Home Town Hero, Cameron Iwasa!

The “because, do you know what really gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends” assist man of the year: With five of the most beautiful assists of the year, Villyan Bijev!

The “I’m going to put my nutsack all over your drum set” pugilist of the year goes to: Hayden Partain for getting into the face of Francisco Narbon, whom deliberately stomped  the ground next to a penalty kick set up.

Prestige World Wide Save of the Year goes to Josh Cohen and his diving save against Colorado Springs’ header from Akwafei Ajeakwa.

Alright, I hope you enjoyed my 2018 review. My 2019 preview will be out Wednesday and Saturday is game day. Hope to see everyone there!

Gabriel Corrie